One of the girls who works for me asked me today how long I've had my hair short. She asked me if I had just decided the day I cut off all of my locks to become a lesbian. I know she'd meant it as a joke, but it kind of struck me as odd, I guess. First of all, I never 'decided' to be a lesbian, it was never a choice. I'm not going to get into that, though. That isn't what I wanted this post to be about, I just had to point that out. If you're interested in finding out about homosexuality, ask your local queers. Or Lady Gaga. We were born this way.

When I discovered that I liked girls, I was still quite young. One of my very first crushes that I remember clearly was the yellow Power Ranger, Trini. It was very confusing to try to grasp sexuality at such a young age, before I really knew what sexuality was. All I knew about it at the time was that Barbie and Ken were supposed to go together like Mommy and Daddy go together. Barbie was not supposed to make smoochie faces at Teresa, that's weird and gross and wrong.

I thought something was wrong with me.  Maybe I was broken? Maybe I was supposed to have been born a boy. For a long time i thought this was the only logical explanation. This may have had a part in why I felt so easy around boys instead of girls. this is what I was supposed to be doing, if my gender wasn't broken, so I might as well do it anyway. Digging in the dirt was just much more enjoyable than playing dolls.

That isn't to say that I didn't still do girly things from time to time. I felt obligated. I was trapped in the wrong body but nobody knew it, so I had to be a lady and I was stuck. It wasn't exactly something I could bring up to my parents one night over dinner. "Mommy, how come I'm a girl?" I couldn't put my finger on why it was wrong, it was just an instinct that this topic was untouchable. It was as wrong to talk about as how it felt. It was not meant to exist and was an abomination to even speak the name of.

So I guess I had to learn to live with it. I played dolls with my cousins and house with the girls in my neighborhood. I had crushes and experienced puppy love and grew out of childhood as a rough and tumble tomboy with both knees skinned and crying that I tore my new tights.

It wasn't until I was in my early to mid teens that the idea of bisexuality was explained to me. Woah, hold the phone here. I can like girls AND boys? And that's an okay thing? Holy smokes, ladies and gentlemen, alert the media! This was life altering news and I had no idea what to do with it. I'm not broken after all, it was just not something that occurred all that frequently in my small, one-horse town. At least not yet.

During my highschool years, I really tried to open up to this other side to my sexuality. Like I said before, I figured if i was stuck in a girl's body, I would have to get used to doing the things that girls do. This included dating boys. I wasn't that I found boys... unattractive. I liked them plenty. Hell, I still do. There is something safe and comfortable about being with a guy that makes sense. But no man has ever made my heart thunder in my chest the way a woman can. Yoga pants are just unbelievable.

What was I talking about? Oh right! high school sweethearts.

My first sincere lady love was a lovely girl named Meagan. She was everything I idolized, everything I wanted to be at the time. She was rambunctious, she was opinionated, she was BOLD! Nothing would stand between this girl and what she thought was right, while I was so soft spoken and shy. I was an easy target for bullies and apparently so was she, but she took my hand so fiercely, damn the world if they didn't like it. I couldn't be so brave. I was terrified. What would my parents say? What would my friends think? Would they still love and accept me if I was different? Up until I started seeing this girl, there was not a whisper of gay culture in my high school. People would gawk at us holding hands and whisper when we passed. I could not handle this shit.

In the end, I chickened out. I told her that I was not ready to be open about this kind of thing just yet and I wasn't ready to call her my girlfriend. She was upset and rightfully so, so we went our separate ways. It was by far the hardest breakup I've ever had to face.

It was a very long time before I would be able to let another girl in. I've never officially dated a woman since, but i still consider myself a bisexual. Well, no. That's not really true either. I don't care much for that term, it seems so linear. I'm queer. I'm queer in many ways aside from my orientation, so it just seems fitting for me. I don't think I need to be actively with a girl to consider myself a bisexual, but I've heard a lot of flack from other self-proclaimed bis that this is a big deal and anyone else is a poser.

What the hell does it matter to them who I'm with or who I think is attractive? Regardless.

It has been a long journey of self-discovery to accept myself this far. I feel confident in myself and the person I want to be. I don't consider myself to be transgendered. I am a woman and I've recently come to terms with that. I still have some difficulties, though. I am still more comfortable being a 'bro' than a 'Ms.' and I still identify more with a man than a woman. It comes from self-confidence really. I don't know if I'm explaining myself very clearly. Sometimes I think I make such rash decisions to be alternative and masculine because I still don't feel like I make a very good girl. I'd never pass for a stereotypical hot chick, so why bother trying? why put on makeup every day and do my hair and pick out the perfect outfit when I still can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear? So I completely rebel against it or ignore it completely because if I don't try, I can't fail. I'm a boy because I'm good at it, I'm a girl because I was born this way.

Not that I'm not happy with my body. Don't get me wrong. If I were another person, I'd totally tap this. Its the me inside and the me outside that don't sync up and make me such a sloppy mess. I'm a recovering fat girl hiding her insecurities behind the facade of an inflated ego. It sounds complicated. I love me and I hate me at the same time.

Girls still scare the piss out of me. Maybe its a nerd thing, but I have absolutely no ability to talk to women and if I find them attractive, forget about it. I'll be hiding in the corner over there, thank you very much. Dudes are simple, they don't play games and largely the guys I keep company with understand that I'd rather be treated like one of them without taping my breasts down and making my personal opinions an awkward conversation topic.

 I 100% support all transgendered people. I think what they do is incredibly brave and not at all something I could handle. They are the victims of unreal hate crimes and to be able to face every day with their chins up is such a sign of strength. I couldn't do it. I admire them.

This post, I think, has rambled on enough. I don't know why it bothered me so much that this one girl commented on my haircut.

Oh God. What if she was flirting with me?

...Fuck.