Do you hear that? Ahh, my friends, that is the sound of my furnace starting back up for the first time since Saturday morning. The sweet sound of warm air circulating into my apartment. Can you think of anything more beautiful than that?
For the past few days, I have been relying pretty heavily on my friends' mercy. I've been couch surfing since the weekend, and it has been quite the adventure, but I'm glad to be home. I know that I would have survived the cold here in my igloo just fine, there wasn't any danger to me or my kitties. There are many people out there in worse situations than the one I found myself in, and I'm not proud of my melodramatic reaction to the heat going out.
My friends are some of the most wonderful people you will ever have the luck of meeting. I love each and every one of them for so many reasons more than their willingness to help me out when I needed it. Everything from letting me sleep on their couches, lending me their bathroom for a hot shower and personal hygiene, going to lengths to repay old debts so I could fill the oil tank, letting me stay in their house for an afternoon off, showing me how to bleed the oil lines, or even giving me a snack when I'm looking down. In such a small way I needed support and I received it in such vast quantities. Not one of them would ever ask for repayment, they are glad to help knowing I would do the same for them.
I have a hard time asking for help. I have always had this need to prove that I am strong and independent. I can do it all on my own, I'm a big girl and I don't need to be babied. I can't always pull it off, though. I do need someone to lean on from time to time. I rely a lot on my friends - a lot more than they realize - but there is always going to be this one person who I can count on. At any time, on any day of the week, mountain or mole hill, my mom will always have my back.
Being a parent can't be an easy job. Everything becomes secondary to the needs of your child, and they don't even realize it. In a child's mind - and I know this, because I have one - they are truly the center of the universe and everything must bend to their will. I want, I want, I want, I need, I need, I need. It is virtually endless. Having a highly sensitive daughter like me could not have been any easier. The mildest upset could send me into a fit of tears and I hated telling anyone why. I still am pretty difficult to handle in that fashion. Hey mom, remember how I cried all through Christmas? Yeah, that happened. A couple of times.
I've talked to excess about what kind of guy my dad is, and I love him to pieces. I'll always be his little girl, though. There's something about the way my mother and I relate that I know she sees me for who I am now, not the five-year-old I was. Next to Skylie, Mom is the one who hears all of the nitty gritty, knows my faults, knows my dreams. I think every woman in the history of civilization has said it in some form or another, but my mom truly is my best friend.
When I called her Sunday night, I was low. I was in a bad space of monotonous paper work, chilly fingers and burnt coffee. I needed to talk. I didn't call to ask for anything, I just needed a sympathetic ear and some of my mother's love. I have an even worse time asking of things from her than anyone else. I want to prove to her, more than anyone, that the hard work she put into raising me has paid off. I am a strong woman now. I can handle my own shit, so to speak. When I can't do that, it is almost embarrassing in a way. Like in some form, I've let myself down. That maybe on some level I've let her down.
That's ridiculous. We all have our weak moments. We all fall down sometime. Mom is glad to help me, just as she helped me learn to tie my shoes or brush my teeth or wipe my own ass. But maybe she needs me too. With both of her children grown and gone, who does she have to dote on now? For twenty years, there was a kid at her heels, making requests, needing her. Now that we're gone, there's a lot of time and energy that once went to kids that just floats by. Maybe when I need her, she needs to be needed.
I used to fight her on everything. I don't need anything, I don't need help. I can do it. Maybe that's selfish. This week, she helped me out again when I was struggling. I couldn't fight her now. I am so grateful for not only this, but everything. I think the best thing I can do is let her know how much I appreciate her and everything she does for me.
Mom, you are the greatest. We come from a family of amazing, intelligent, strong women, all of whom have their own talents and abilities that makes us all stronger together as a family. I am so proud to be one among us. You are the glue that holds it all together. You are a moderator, a mentor, a hostess for everyone. In times of crisis, you shoulder your own pain and carry us all. Mom, you're a rock. If I turn out to be half the woman that you are today, I will be more successful than I could ever hope for. I love you.
Hey, other readers who aren't my mom. You should call yours. Like, now.
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